A Place for Me...

Right before Christmas, not only had I decided to stop drinking and drugs, but I had also resigned myself to a life of just lots of hard work, raising kids, and random hookups when I needed to have sex. I felt that my ability to maintain a relationship was pretty much null and void and that I needed to just stick to the things that I could do--and succeed at. Up to this point, I had not been very successful. Part of it, yes, was my choice in a partner. But another part of it was knowing that deep down, I probably would never be totally satisfied with just one person. I am capable of having an intimate connection with one person--a relationship--but I also was able to recognize that I have needs that can't be met by one person because well, they are just one person. And quite simply that people in general are pretty awesome and sometimes you just want to spend time with them--not necessarily in a sexual manner. I was raised to believe that monogamy was the way of life for all humans and that anyone who strayed outside of that was quite simply a cheater and the scum of the earth. I spent many times as "the other woman" in my life...always wondering why the man needed to cheat if he loved someone so much that he married them and vowed to spend his life with only her. Often times, they didn't want a relationship with me--but I was able to fulfill some needs that his wife couldn't. The dishonesty is what kills the whole thing.

In the past, I have been cheated on often. More often than I can even begin to count probably. And I began to believe that it was just what people do. But, in retrospect, I remember that each and everytime the cheating happened, the thing that hurt the most was the dishonesty. Finding about it after the fact. Feeling deceived. Not the actual act. It was the deception about the act. And again, I just thought that something was wrong with me--that this was supposed to bother me but it wasn't necessarily the worst thing about the situation.

Right around Thanksgiving, I started doing some exploring on open relationships and polyamory. It was something that always fascinated me--mainly because I really envied the security that these women felt. They are so secure in their relationship with their primary partner that the actions that they both have outside of each other doesn't take away from their primary relationship--and if anything, it makes is stronger. The open and honest forum that is provided was something that I craved. And the trust. But more than anything, the security. I couldn't imagine a world where I was so secure in myself.

I decided to stop drinking---which also cut out drugs--and embarked on a really amazing journey. I met someone who happened to be going through the same thought process as me. It was a fluke meeting. He didn't know who Bella Blue was. So, from the start, he wasn't enamored with the character. He wasn't trying to impress me and he certainly wasn't turned off by the fact that I didn't always walk around in my booty shorts. What started out as something that I had planned on just being on my list of people to call when I was in need of some attention from time to time has grown into something that has helped me figure out who I am--and that quite possibly am not an emotional retard. We have ventured into the world of an open relationship together and it has been amazing. It has been wonderful to be open and honest and not ashamed. It has been a bonding experience as humans beyond any other that I've had. It has enabled me to be a good dom and in turn, a good sub. It has allowed me so much freedom in my sexuality. I am no longer ashamed of the fact that I enjoy being with women. I feel like I have finally found my place in this world. And whether or not this man stays in my life is not a determining factor of my place. He's just been an amazing addition, partner, and confidante in it all. It has allowed me to be an amazing partner and confidante as well. I feel like I have finally started figuring out who I am, what makes me tick, why I tick that way, and why I've had so many failed relationships in the past. For once, I don't feel broken. And I don't feel like I am destined to be alone. And I am making all of my choices completely sober which takes it all to a whole to level as well.

I feel really lucky. I feel like the most difficult year of my life has lead me to where I am right now. And for that, I am pretty thankful.

I just wanted to share....