Better than the alternative

It makes me sad to know he goes to bed alone. I can picture being in his bed (because I've been there so many times) and see him lying there on his back and letting out a big sigh before he drifts off finally to sleep. Maybe in the middle, but probably more on the right side (if you're facing the bed) with the left side empty...with the hopes of filling the spot one day.

"A million times I've thought of how things would be different"
He wrote that to me a few weeks ago and I think about it everyday. We both have but both are adult enough and realistic enough to know that things will never be different--not for a while--and that I can't wait and he doesn't expect me to. So we take what we can get, and somehow it's enough. It's better than the alternative...and the alternative is not an option.

There's not many people I'd consider being with for a lifetime. There's not many people that I've been with that feels so natural. Maybe 2 other people at best. And it's rare that you happen to be in the same place, at the same time, and meet eyes, and connect, and talk, and spend time together. For all those things to align, in my opinion, is very unusual and unlikely. And when you find it, you have to hang on to it...even if it's not in the way that you want to.

I miss his smell mostly. I miss the mornings. I miss running my hands up the back of his hair. Showers. Dances. Coffee. Deciding what to eat. Our time was brief...but it was apparent and it was wonderful. It's one of my happy places. I have a good life now, and I have no regrets. But, it doesn't mean I don't miss what could have been from time to time.

In another place, another time, I think we were. And I believe it was good:)