Tears taste different

Tears taste different depending on what the purpose of them is. I have cried more the past 2 months than I have in my whole life I think. I cry on a daily basis because I miss my mom. It's not necessarily a long, hard cry everytime. But it's tears flowing. Those tears hardly ever reach my mouth. They always seem to flow more to the outside of my face or just fall to my lap because my head is down or sometimes I have a tissue on hand and catch them before they fall. They are very watery...not as salty...and are often cloudier for whatever reason.

Today I cried for you. I cried because you're leaving. I have been trying to put it out of my mind because the thought of not having my friend here is too much. I am envious that Ellie is getting to spend all of your last days with you and I feel like my time with you is limited and restricted when we are together because she is there. But I do like her and want to be her friend. It's not her personally. It's more me than anything and my selfishness which I am not afraid to admit. I can't imagine what a night after a gig will be like and you are not there to meet and have a drink and talk about the day. Or to feel you in the crowd when I'm dancing. Or to just generally feel you in this city because I know you are here. There will truly be a void here when you are gone.

I cried because I can't say that it doesn't make me sad of what couldn't be. I don't want to harp on this too much, but I know you know what I am talking about. I do feel crazy sometimes because I feel like it's more one sided...and I feel foolish for that a little but, I don't care enough to not say it.

I cried because I can't go.

I cried because I miss you already.

These tears fall straight down..catch on my cheeks and trickle to the corners of my mouth. They are bittersweet and they are big tears.

Send in the Clowns is a representation of how I feel about many things in my life and mostly in times of sadness and I have to hide it. The stage set up wasn't what I had wished for obviously, but I wanted you to see it and it very much represents how I feel and have felt for the last 2 months since my mom died. And more so now that you are leaving...

I will miss you. That's all...