The List

I was at his house one day alone. He had gone to work and I was sleeping late. I think I was off that day with nothing in particular going on. I don't have a tendency to "snoop"...I feel that at some point, you're gonna find something that you don't like or want to know about. It's inevitable because well, we all have secrets. But this particular day I "snooped." I don't know if you can really consider it snooping. After a year and a half of being together, I don't think there should be too many things that are private in your relationship. But, that's just me...

Anyways, there was a notebook. On the dresser. A notebook I had seen a number of times around the house...on the coffee table...nothing big. It never caught my attention. For some reason though it caught my attention that day. I opened the notebook and the first few pages were nothing big. Music lyrics. Notes. Things to do. Then....a list. A list of women's names. A list that went on for pages and pages and there were numbered by 50. My name wasn't on this list. I don't know when he stopped counting. But the list was a little over 250. So who knows how many since he had stopped and by the time we had started dating. Some of the girls didn't have names...."Stripper from Canada" was one that stuck out to me. And another had "once anally" written next to her name.

It was disheartening. It made me feel even less special than I already had....not that numbers should matter but in this case, I felt it did. I felt like I was just a number in a sea of pussies. Just a hole. A hole that didn't get used very much anyways....internet girls and sex chats were way more interesting than anything I had to offer. It certainly was a defining moment in the beginning of the end of our relationship....

I wonder if I've been added to the list yet.